The Dinner Out
by MrTennek
Summary: Fed up with Chichi's abysmal and repetitive cooking, Goku decides to take his family out to a Chinese restaurant for a nice meal. Rated M for language and chopsticks.


DBZ - The Dinner 

Narrator - One peaceful night at the Goku residence.

-(at Goku's house)-

Goku + Gohan - (sitting at the table waiting for dinner)

Goku - Aghhh, God, Chichi-- How much longer until that grub is finished! I could eat a freakin' horse here-- And I already ate the neighbours dog and rhododendron bush! And man, let me tell you, those fer's give you the squirts like there's no tomorrow! My ass looks like a Goddamned cluster of extra chewy glossettes here...

Gohan - I'll keep that in mind, Dad.

Chichi - (walks up to the table) Alright boys, dinner is served!

Gohan - Ah, awesome!

Goku - Yeah, it's about time, wench! Now somebody make sure my colostomy bag is properly inserted-- I am not going to clean up that shit again!

Gohan - Yeah, I'll get right on that, Dad.

Goku - Now then, woman, what have you brought for us men to eat tonight! It had better be a meal fit for a king, or else I shall I bring a reckoning upon you!

Gohan - (thinking) Jesus, ever since he got fired from that abysmal cooking show of his, he sure has been on edge!

Chichi - Well, Goku, dear, it's your favourite! Baloney pie stuffed with byproducts and gravy! Cooked to your exact satisfaction! (grins widely)

Gohan - Oh boy...How...great...

Goku - (slams the food off the table violently and turns SSJ3) (throws his arms up in the air) AAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chichi - (gasps in horror)

Gohan - Man, what crawled up your shit-bag?

Goku - THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! We've been eating the same Goddamned meal for the past two months! Have you no interest in variety, woman! Or perhaps you would rather us wither away and die of sheer and utter monotony! Well, is that what you have bestowed upon us, ye filthy conniving witch of Hell's own spawn!

Chichi - (shaking) But Goku, you've always loved baloney-- It's your favourite meat!

Goku - Perhaps a time ago, I did. But now, it is my tormentor-- my mortal fiend! (takes a fistful of baloney and stares intensely at it) How it mocks me...Do you see it? It laughs at me, and stares deep into my soul...WELL, WHO'S LAUGHIN' NOW, BITCH!  
(crushes the baloney in his hands, squirting meat-juice into his eyes in the process) OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST!  
(falls backwards over the table; breaking it in the process and nearly killing himself)

Chichi - ...

Gohan - Well, I would say this has been an interesting night...if this same thing didn't happen every day of the week...

Goku - (slowly gets up and stumbles around) But fear not! No, my friends, for it is I who am the savior who will lead you from this wretched mystery meat and into fields of prosperity and gold! Yes, for the hour of reckoning has arrived, and I shall be the guiding light which will shun off the darkness and bring forth a new age and coming of triumph and power over the old days of deviants and suffering! So, my friends, it is now time to decide which side you shall place your alliegience with! Will you join me and put an end to the reign of tyranny and by-products, so that we may go forth and never look back again! What say you men?  
WILL YOU JOIN ME!

(Gohan and Chichi are long gone)

Goku - Yeah, I didn't think so. (eats the baloney pie)

-(later that night)-

Goku + Gohan + Chichi - (watching TV)

Goku - (stomach growls loudly) Oh God, I'm sooooooo hungry!

Chichi - Wha-- But Goku, you just ate an entire meat-pie and a bunch of food condiments with it!

Goku - I know, it was hardly enough! Agh, man, I can't go the rest of the night feeling like this! What I need is some good old fashioned 'real food', and not this pre-processed crap that you asshats serve around here!

Gohan - Dad, you were a professionally paid chef on that show of yours for one full year-- Surely, you must know how to cook at least SOMETHING!

Goku - (grabs Gohan by the neck) DON'T...YOU...MENTION...THAT...SHOW...AGAIN!

Chichi - Good God, you're bitter about that!

Goku - Shut yer hole, serving woman! Now turn on the TV-- I need my mind-numbing entertaining! Not to mention something to get the memories of that God-awful, stomach-turning show out of my mind...

Gohan - Alright...(turns on the TV to a random channel)

TV Announcer - And now for a rerun of the controversial, hit cooking series: 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour'!

Goku (on the TV) - (wearing a pink tuxedo and a turban) Well, hello again folks! Your favourite chef here once again to share with you yet another fantastic recipe! Today, we will be making an absolutely decadent and savoury side of, 'Baloney Back-Ribs'! Now then, let us begin--

Goku - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-- (blasts the TV into dust) BEGONE, EVIL SERIES! BEGONE, I TELL YOU!  
(collapses and starts sobbing uncontrollably)

Gohan - Whelp, time to go finalize those adoption papers.

Goku - Wait-- That's it-- I'VE GOT IT!

Chichi - Wha--?

Goku - My family, I have just found the solution to all of our problems!

Gohan - Extensive group therapy and alcoholics anonymous?

Goku - Nope! I'm gonna take all of us out for some fine dinning at a restaurant! Just the perfect chance to get out of the house and do something different for a change. My treat!

Chichi - Goku, are you out of your mind-- It's 1:30 in the morning! What restaurant is open at this kind of time--

Goku - TO THE GOKU-MOBILE! (runs off, tearing his colosomy bag out and spraying shit everywhere)

Gohan + Chichi - (covered in feces.

-(in the piece-o-crap-mobile)-

Goku - Alrighty then, this shouldn't take too long! All we have to do now is find a fitting place to eat, and we'll be set! (pulls a phone-book out of nowhere and starts reading through it; completely obscuring his view of the road)

Chichi - Uh, honey, I don't think that's too safe--

Goku - Stew-meat and puppets! (looks through the phone-book some more) Ah! This place looks intriguing: "Colonel Chow's Numba One Buffet". I'm guessing it's Chinese...

Gohan - Gee; whatever lead you to that assumption.

Goku - (pulls a morse-code machine out of nowhere and dials the number)

-moments later

-(at the Chinese restaurant)-

Worker - Man, that was weird...

Manager - (walks up) What are you talking about?

Worker - I just got this bizarre phonecall from some deranged guy who said that he wanted to make a reservation here for three.

Manager - Yeah, well, we're full. What's so strange about that?

Worker - Well, I told him that we were all booked up and that there was no parking available, but he just told me that he would "make do", and for us to clear out the front entrance or "all hell would break loose".

Manager - Wha-- What the hell does that mean!

Worker - I honestly have no clue sir, but I--

(the sound of screeching tires outside is heard)

Manager - What the--

Goku - (drives his car through the front entrance of the restaurant, taking out about 6 customers in the process) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW! (wipes out and crashes into the front counter)

Manager - ...

Goku - (with his head through the windshield) Ah, Christ-- GONG HAY FAT CHOY! (laughs maniacally)

Gohan + Chichi - (pale and shaking uncontrollably in the back-seat)

Goku - (pulls himself out of the wreckage and stumbles up to the manager) Ah! Hello there good sir! I believe we have a reservation for three near the back window? (grins)

Manager - ...

Goku - (looks at the wake of destruction behind him) Damn! I sure hope you guys got insurance or something! Not that I give a shit about this place or anything, but my car is gonna need some serious repairs after that little stunt! (chuckles loudly)

Manager - ...

Goku - Alrighty then! Chichi, Gohan, come on, let's take a seat!

Chichi + Gohan - (slowly make their way out of the crash)

Goku - (walks up to a random table and shoves the people sitting in it out the side window) We got a vacant one here! (sits down) Ahhhh, the asian quisine! Nothin' like ingesting a ludicrous and health affecting load of MSG and salt!

Waiter - (walks up to table) Hello, my name is Fuing-Huang and I will be your waiter for tonight. Have you three decided what you would like to eat yet?

Goku - Ah yes, Ding-Dong, I believe we're just about ready! Now, my good asian sir, none of these meals happen to have...(shudders) baloney in them, do they?...

Waiter - Uh...?

Goku - Cause let me tell you my yellow amigo, if I find that fucken mystery meat in my chow mein or wanton, this place is gonna turn into a reinactment of the 'Deliverance'; alright, hombre?

Waiter - Uh, yes sir, I understand.

Goku - Superfantastiches! So then, with all of that out of the way, I believe I will have the 'Prawns and Beef Platter with Cooked Vegetables'! Gohan, Chichi, what would you two like?

Gohan - Uh...I'll just have some pork thanks...

Chichi - (still shaking) I'll have a full dose of percodan, please.

Goku - AH-HAH-HAH-- WHAT A FUCKIN' RIOT! (slams his hands down on the table violently)

Waiter - Uh...Okay then...Would the three of you like anything to drink before the meal?

Gohan - I'll have a sprite.

Chichi - A cup of ativan.

Goku - Yeah, I'll have a tequila on the rocks, thanks.

Waiter - Wha-- Sir, this is a family restaurant; we don't serve alcoholic beverages here!

Goku - Ah, that's fine-- I had prepared for just the occaison! (pulls out a torpedo of moonshine from nowhere and downs the entire thing in one massive gulp)

Waiter - Uh...

Goku - (coughs violently and starts bleeding from his eyes and nose) (hoarsely) Agh-- God, that stuff's good! I can feel it evaporating my brain as we speak!

Waiter - Errrrr...Alrighty then! uh...Your food should be ready in about 10-15 minutes! (grins and walks away quickly)

Goku - Excellent! While we wait, I thought we could have a good old fashioned game of 'Guess That Bodily Fluid' to pass the time!

Gohan - OH GOD, NO--

(one minute and about 10 gallons of saiyan urine later)

Goku - (doused in piss) Well, that was fun! Now then, where the fuck is that meal! And where the fuck is my Goddamn drink!

Chichi - Uh...Goku...(points to the side)

Goku - Huh? (looks over his shoulder)

(a bunch of kids are behind them bawling their eyes out)

Goku - Pfah, they'll learn those words sooner or later!

Waiter - (walks up to the table) So, how is everything going over he--

Goku - Yeah, how much longer are we gonna be waitin' here, Ping-Pong? You know, I only got the bowels of a two year old, and if my food ain't gonna be here in the next ten minutes, it's gonna be like Noah's Arc all over again; except with liquid shit.

Waiter - (green in the face) Uh, not too much longer, hopefully. (gags)

Goku - Fantastic. Would you mind changing my catheter for me?

Waiter - (gags violently and runs off)

Goku - Yep, that's service nowadays for you-- Un-freakin'-believable!

Vegeta - (walks into the restaurant followed by Bulma and Trunks) Uh, reservation for three for the Brief's famil-- (sees Goku)

Goku - (notices Vegeta) Ah! Well, look who it is, guy's--

Vegeta - (turns around) Oh, sweet Jesus-- Just keep walking and don't look back--

Trunk - But you said we were having Chinese tonight!

Vegeta - So I'll make you some chow-mein when we get home-- COME ON! (drags Trunks and Bulma out violently)

Goku - AH, VEGETA! (screams) VEGETAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Vegeta - (flies off at the speed of light)

Goku - Ahhh! Man, that guy is hard of hearing.

Chichi - Yeah...Poor him...

Goku - (looks down at his watch) Alright-- That's it! I've had it up to here with waiting for that confounded meal of ours! I'm gonna go into the kitchen and see what the friggen hold-up is!

Chichi - Uh, Goku, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to go back there--

Goku - Oh yeah, what are they gonna do? (laughs) Attack me with chop-sticks? (laughs idiotically and walks into the kitchen)

(long silence)

Goku - (runs out of the kitchen frantically being chased by a mob of homicidal chop-stick brandishing asians) AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Chichi - ...

Gohan - Well, that's a new one.

Goku - (getting prodded all over the body with chop-sticks) AAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH--! NOT THE SWEET AND SOUR!

Chichi - Come on, Gohan. (slowly gets up)

Gohan - Uh...Shouldn't we help him?

Chichi - Let's just act like he's dead. (leaves)

Goku - (getting a vat of wanton soup dumped on him) OH, HOW IT BURNS!

AND THE MORAL OF THIS ASININE STORY IS: baloney-withdrawal makes you do stupid things; don't do what Goku did-- get help if you're addicted...Or get mobbed by chop-sticks; I don't care.


End file.
